Heaven on Earth

Four years ago, I celebrated my first Mother’s Day as a Mommy but my baby wasn't by my side. Alex and I were in Hawaii that year because I knew I couldn't be around for Mother’s day and I needed to escape.

Everything about Hawaii made me feel closer to Noelle. The sun on my skin, the ocean, the mountains, rainbows and nature. Pure beauty. It was heaven on earth and that’s how I felt when I held Noelle… like I was holding a piece of heaven.

That first Mother’s Day was particularly hard because I also didn’t know where the future of our family lied. Would we be able to have children? Would we have to bury another child? Would we adopt? So many questions. But there was one thing I knew and that is a Mother’s love is like no other.

This year, I would like to run away to Hawaii for a whole different reason! Social distancing is difficult when you have a toddler and a baby. Every day, I lose my patience at some point. I have many moments as a Mother that I am not proud of. It’s an exhausting job that is 24/7. And right now, there is no break. I have had moments where I think “all I want for Mother’s Day is to be alone!”.

And then I think of Noelle.

I know all these feelings as a Mother are justified. But for every moment of frustration, there are a million moments of laughter. For every tantrum, there are a thousand lessons learned. For every boo-boo, there are endless kisses and hugs. For every sleepless night, there are snuggles that will warm my heart forever.

Time moves fast. Lily and Alexander are getting bigger by the second. I rocked Alexander for almost an hour two nights ago as he slept in my arms, just because I could. And I miss doing that with Lily. As I rocked him, I thought about how his room was initially Noelle’s room. And I couldn’t help but wonder if she would have needed me to rock her? Who would she have looked like? Were her eyes blue like her brothers or brown like her sisters? Would she have been easy going like her brother or sensitive like Lily?

I wish I heard her cry.

When Noelle was born, I held a piece of Heaven. And when I think of her now, she is my strength on difficult days and brings me peace when my patience is running low. I remember my first Mother’s Day when all I longed for was to hold my baby. I longed for the sleepless nights and to hear my baby cry. Lily and Alexander will grow and won’t need me the way they do now. And when I think back on our days together, I will remember all of the joy, not the frustration.

One thing will never change and that is the fact that Noelle made me a Mommy four years ago. She will always be my baby, my strength, my peace.

I wish I could hold her today and thank her for making me a Mommy. She will forever remind me that being a Mother is a gift… it is heaven on earth.

I love you, Noelle.