Updated: Feb 26, 2021
2021 was supposed to be a great year. After the wild ride that was 2020, I thought 2021 HAD to be better.
Only 6 weeks in and it’s bullshit.
We transferred our last embryo on 1/12. The final chapter of our pregnancy journey. 5 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. My doctor assured me everything was OK- actually, it was great! We saw a heartbeat really early- the baby was strong! He assured me I could continue my normal routine. Workout, lift the kids etc. I continued to bleed on and off and I continued to be reassured- this was “very normal” with IVF. The baby continued looking strong. So at 7 weeks, when I woke up to bleeding and clots, I was scared but tried to stay positive. "The baby is perfect and healthy" playing over and over in my head. The next morning I went for another ultrasound. Alone, scared.... I was told the baby was gone.
Going into this transfer, my husband and I had said “whatever happens, happens and if it doesn’t work out, we will be OK. We have two healthy children here on earth and we wouldn’t go through IVF again.”
I guess I didn’t realize how set my heart was on another child home with me.
I also just think I never thought anything else bad would happen to us as far as pregnancy goes.
Infant loss, ectopic pregnancy and now miscarriage.
My heart hurts.
And then I look at my sweet, healthy, lovable, adorable children that run around my house everyday and fill my world with laughter and I know I am blessed. I know I am fortunate to have had other children after Noelle. To have been able to have the reassurance of IVF and genetic screening that the next child wouldn’t be affected with the same condition as Noelle.
But it doesn’t erase the pain. It doesn’t erase my dreams of a big family. It certainly doesn’t stop my almost 3 year old from saying “Mommy, can we have another baby?” Or “Mommy, How’s your boo boo?” Referring to my belly and the fact that I stopped picking her up as much as usual as a measure to try and stop the bleeding and save the sibling that I too wanted for her.
If we try again and lose again.... I know we’ll be OK. I have come to realize that one loss doesn’t make you immune to another. And I am preparing my heart for all the worst. But I can’t stop dreaming of another baby. I can’t give it up yet.
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m selfish to put myself, my family, my friends though this heartache again.... but it’s what my heart wants 😢
2021 is also now the year that one of my close friends was told “You have cancer.... stage 4 colon cancer” after having an upset stomach and indigestion.
No one ever knows what life has in store for them- the good, the bad...the horrible. it’s all really just one day at a time and sometimes it seems you just get the worst draw.
I’m trying to just focus on what I CAN control.
My love and my presence with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. My attitude toward tomorrow.
I am not sure of where my faith lies....
Right now, my hope is in the fact that we can and will likely try again. Another round of IVF and hopefully another healthy baby to bring home 🙏🏻❤️
Will I pray about this? Yes.
but why am I here AGAIN!!!!!?
I’m angry, I feel betrayed.
I feel horrible that my lovely, amazing, kind, caring friend has to now go through chemo and face such a difficult journey.
I am trying to find the good in it all... the silver lining of blessings. It’s hard. And if I am honest... it’s hard to have faith when times are tough.
Praying for strength and for hope.
Praying my boo boo heals soon...
Praying for my friend way harder.