So it’s official, we are expecting our next baby November 7, 2019! I took a home pregnancy test and got a faint positive on Noelle’s due date. We saw the baby’s heart beat for the first time on her day, March 13th. I have felt her presence since the day of our transfer and I know she is watching over us.

The comments have already started…. “Your second pregnancy”…

No… technically my fourth, but thank you for forgetting!

I know people will not know of or acknowledge my ectopic pregnancy but if you know me at all, you know about Noelle…. DO NOT say this is my second pregnancy. That makes me so angry and hurt because you are discrediting Noelle’s entire life and everything we went through together.

I thought after having Lily that pregnancy would be “easy”. That it wouldn’t be as nerve-racking since I had been through a healthy pregnancy. But now, after going through another loss that I never even thought was possible, I am SO nervous again.

I am 8 weeks along today. We just told our parents but I was even hesitant to do that because I am still trying to fully embrace it myself. Again, I am back in a place where I feel like I can’t get excited about the baby or it will be taken away from me.

CBS is coming to our house to film a segment on infant loss and financial strain and they are featuring Noelle’s Light. I am so excited to share our journey and raise awareness about loss. I hope I can properly articulate what we have been through. Sometimes when I am sharing, I feel like I am almost telling someone else’s story. It is hard to be really vulnerable in front of strangers who you know don’t understand… how could they if they have never lost a child? But I hope I can let my walls down and let the world see how Noelle has affected us.

We thought about sharing the news of our pregnancy with CBS but it is just too early and, like I said, I am still so nervous. But I will share about our ectopic. I want people to also recognize that early loss is hard. I was fortunate enough to not n

eed a procedure but SO many people do, not just from an ectopic, but from early miscarriages that need a D&C and I am sure that can be very traumatizing. And too often early loss is minimized.

This is my fourth pregnancy. All of my baby’s have a place in my heart and they will not be forgotten or disregarded.

I hope we can open people’s minds to infant loss, miscarriage and stillbirth and the fact that just because we didn’t bring our baby home from the hospital, doesn’t mean she isn’t in our home. Noelle is everywhere in our home, and so is the baby who just past, our number 3.

I hope I can get excited about the baby to come, baby number 4 deserves that.