Noelle’s date passed last week- February 13, 2019 was 26 months since she left this earth. In just 4 days, it will be the 3rd due date that has passed. She was due February 23, 2017.
Alex and I just underwent our 3rd transfer of an embryo this morning. I am trying to stay optimistic and be excited about the potential of being pregnant again, but just 3 months ago another pregnancy was taken from me. I have been pretty discouraged since then, just continually asking myself “why” and not wanting to get my hopes up again in the chance of being crushed.
Alex and I just shared our journey with Noelle with the Philadelphia Inquirer. We feel so honored to be published and hope that our story will touch someone- that someone will feel a little less alone because of it. We also hope that it will bring awareness to the financial struggle that so many families face. Here I am, over two years out of losing Noelle and we are able to support ourselves financially. We can support our daughter Lily and are hoping to have another little bean on the way soon. Obviously, the emotions can still be crippling. I find myself being very angry with other families who can conceive so easily. Find myself angry with those who don’t understand grief.
I cannot imagine still having to climb out from under a pile of bills. I hope we can bring financial support to families that find themselves in that unfortunate situation. No one deserves that.
I was walking outside a few days ago with our dog, Archie, in the bitter cold. I had my hat, my gloves my big down coat on and was still shivering, still anxious to get home. As I began to look around, breathe in the crisp air, I started to recall the winter of 2017, two years ago, just after I had lost Noelle. From January-April of that year, I remember going on countless walks with Archie in the cold. I remember one particular day that we went on a walk and it began to rain, freezing rain, and I was not prepared. No hood, no gloves, no umbrella… just me, a light jacket, Archie and the bare trees. I didn’t care. I walked around like it was a warm sunny day. It didn’t faze me at all. The only company I wanted to keep were the naked branches above me, dripping in cold rain.
Although I was crazy to have no protection from the cold and the rain, I also had never been so in touch with the elements. The rain felt so good on my skin and the sunrays peaking through the clouds made me feel a little bit closer to Noelle. I always feel her presence most outside.
People have asked me why I started writing and why I continue to write. I started because I couldn’t keep all of my emotions in… emotions were literally pouring out of me. I needed to express myself.
I continue writing for a few reasons- to help others feel less alone, to share the journey of grief and help people understand that it is not linear. It is never ending. And mainly, I continue writing because I never want to forget what I have been through. As scary and horrible as it was, Noelle’s life was beautiful and it continues to open my eyes to the beauty of this world.
On her due date this Saturday, I will take a home pregnancy test. I am praying, I am hoping. I am trying to stay optimistic. I feel the spirit of Noelle all around. In the cold, crisp air, the full moon outside (she was born on a full moon night) and with her due date coming up. I know she is watching over us.