here I am... 8 days away from the 2nd birthday, and day of death, of my first daughter Noelle. Today also marks day 2 since losing my 3rd baby..... Alex and I were pregnant again, 6 weeks along, starting to feel excited about adding another member to our family. Then I was told that the baby had implanted in my left fallopian tube, not in my uterus, and that I had to take a medication to end the pregnancy before my tube ruptured from the baby growing. WHAT THE F***.

I AM SO ANGRY. I am so hurt. I am so sad......

I thought we had been through enough. This is just not right. this is not fair.

My doctor told me that an eptopic pregnancy occurs 1-2% of the time..... another rare thing that happened to our family.

I am so angry at every family who takes for granted pregnancy. so angry at every family who thinks it is easy to get pregnant. so angry at every person who doesn't appreciate life. so angry at every person who doesn't care for their children the way they deserve to be cared for. So angry at every parent who complains about their children.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

I know we are SO blessed to have our Lily, and for now, I will just love on her with all my heart. I am so thankful for her. For her, I will celebrate Christmas. For Noelle, I will celebrate Heaven and try to remember the "reason for the season" and for this life that just passed, I will continue to celebrate ALL lives.

I will also honor my emotions and my sadness and my anger and I will do what I need to do to get through this season, with all the different emotions I will carry. I will cry, I will pray, I will question everything.

But through it all, I will look into my Lily's eyes and try to count my blessings above my sorrows.