So I guess this grief thing really is cyclical! I thought I was doing great, thinking of Noelle but feeling happy and generally pain free. But now.... here comes thanksgiving.... here comes Christmas.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this time of year. I’m that person that starts decorating for Christmas before thanksgiving and listens to Christmas music way before it is acceptable (and long after!)! But this time of year will forever remind me of CHOP. It will remind me of being in and out of the hospital. Of fighting for our daughters life and feeling SO alone at times.

The pain of that time floods in so fast and so unexpected. The jealousy of other families that are whole. The deep ache that comes when I see a child who just turned two or is about to turn two. Remembering when I was pregnant right alongside that Mother... but now her baby is here and growing, and mine is gone. I will never know what she would be like today. I will never know her laugh.... We should be hearing her little feet run down the stairs this Christmas. But I will never hear the sound of her happy feet.

All of this is mixed in with the magic and joy of Christmas.

Yes, I have my Lily. Yes, I am so thankful for her. Yes, I realize she wouldn't be here today had Noelle lived. But it doesn't make Christmas without my first born easy. It doesn't make another year passing easy.

What does lessen the pain is remembering what we celebrate as Christmas approaches. We celebrate the birth of Jesus. We remember Him and we remember that there is hope. She is waiting for me in heaven. She is waiting for her sister and her daddy. I know she is.

But still... I miss her now. And sometimes, that’s just it. Sometimes joy and grief dance together and that’s okay.

As her second birthday approaches, I am struggling to find something meaningful to do to celebrate and remember her, to honor her short life. But I know, nothing will be enough until I can hold her someday.