17 months and my 2nd Mother's Day.
I can’t believe it has been 17 months since I said hello and goodbye to my first baby. I can’t believe that a year ago was my first Mother’s Day as a Mom but my daughter wasn’t in my arms and my heart was beyond shattered. Alex and I had purposely planned a trip to Hawaii to escape the reality of a Mother's day without our daughter. It was paradise and I truly felt her presence the entire time we were there but still, my empty arms were a constant reminder of my broken heart.
This Mother's day, I don't feel the need to escape. When I wake up, I will see my beautiful second daughter, my rainbow Lily. I will immediately think of Noelle when I look into her eyes. I will visit Noelle's burial site and say a prayer to her to keep watching over us and I will spend the rest of the day with my Mother, enjoying her company. The most pronounced aspect of life after loosing Noelle has truly been that life is too short. I want to spend every moment I can with the ones I love. Now that I have Noelle and Lily, I can understand wanting to soak in every moment with your children.
If Noelle were here today, she would be running all around and certainly getting into some trouble. She would be laughing and playing. Or maybe not. Maybe she would be in the hospital, maybe she would be paralyzed in some way from the hydrops. Maybe everything that happened was to save her from that pain.
If Noelle were here today, Lily would not be here. So as much as my heart aches to be with Noelle, I now can't imagine my life without Lily. Last year, I knew what it felt like to be a Mother missing her child terribly. Now I know what it feels like to be a Mother who has her child with her. And I want to show that child how much I love being her Mommy.
But my heart will forever feel the pain of missing Noelle and will forever be aware of the impact of empty arms and the overwhelming need to run away. I will never forget who made me a Mother 17 months ago, the one who taught me to love like there is no tomorrow and to cherish every moment. Noelle is forever my first born, my guide and my light, showing me how to be the best Mother I can be to her sibling. Reminding me to hug Lily tighter, kisser her more softly and cherish every waking moment of the gift of Motherhood.
I will remember all the Mother's out there who are missing a piece of their heart. You are stronger than you know and you have the hardest job a Mother could ever have. You carry the heaviest burden every single day.
I will remember all of the children out there who are missing their Mother. I pray that the emptiness you feel can be filled with a joyful memory or a warm smile.
Be open to the present but never forget the past. Let it build you up.
Thank you Noelle for making me a Mommy. I can't wait to snuggle you in heaven. Happy Mother's Day.