Valentine's Day without my Baby
Yesterday was 14 months of missing my baby girl. 14 months of wondering what life would look like if she were here with me and another trip to the cemetery to deliver a stuffed animal that I wish she was actually going to play with.
I have never been a big Valentine's Day person. Never got too excited about it or expected my significant other to take it too seriously. A card and some chocolates will do for me. But my sister reminded me today that we should get a little excited for the kids. Hug them, kiss them, maybe even make them cute heart shaped pancakes for breakfast to show our love. At least that is what I imagined doing with Noelle.
If she were here today she would be running and playing and I would be hugging and loving her. I still just wish so badly I could do those things.
I am getting more and more excited about doing those things with Noelle's sibling who will be here in just a short 5+ weeks (maybe less!) I just hope I don't feel guilty enjoying my time with my new baby. I know in my heart Noelle is looking down and smiling but I also know I will have moments of anger as I come face to face with the life with Noelle I could have had.
As each day passes and we continue to develop Noelle's Light and build our family, I remember the love that surrounds me each day. The love that my husband and I have established. The love that built this family, that gave life to Noelle and to this rainbow baby. And that love is something that carries me through each day and gives me hope for Noelle, hope for Noelle's sibling, hope for tomorrow and hope for my future family. The love my husband and I share gives me hope that we will see Noelle again and that she will be present in our lives forever.
So although Valentine's Day has never been that important to me, I am coming to recognize that we should take a moment, a day, to acknowledge the love we may take for granted everyday. The love that sustains us. And we should show the little ones that love is not just chocolates and heart shaped pancakes, but that love is putting your faith in someone or something else and feeling stronger and safer because of it. I put my faith in my love with my husband, through the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, through sickness and in health. I know Noelle is very much a part of that love. God is very much a part of that love. And nothing, not even death, can take it away.
One day I’ll share snuggles in heaven with Noelle and together we will be surrounded by love (and maybe even share some heart shaped pancakes)