Today I am 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant with my rainbow baby. I am officially further along than I was with my sweet Noelle. That is so hard to believe when I think about how much closer I felt to Noelle at this point. I knew the different tricks to make her move. I felt connected to her, maybe because we were seeing her on ultrasound 2-3 times per week from week 24 on. Maybe because I went through so much with her in the short time she was with me. More than I have ever been through with anyone.

I know this rainbow, but have been hesitant to let myself really attach to this baby. We just started talking about the nursery, taking measurements and preparing for his or her arrival in 9, maybe less, weeks, But there is still part of me that doubts it, part of me that fears the worst. And the more attached I get, the more scared I am.

Standing in the room last night with my husband, taking measurements and trying to imagine what the nursery will look like, I couldn’t help but to feel a little sad, a little guilty. This was supposed to be Noelle’s room. Winnie the Pooh was supposed to be the theme for her nursery. Is it okay that this rainbow will be in her room? Siblings inevitably share things, especially rooms. But I just need to figure out how to make Noelle part of the nursery. On those nights when I feel nervous, when I feel like it is too good to be true, I want to look around the nursery and feel Noelle. She will re-assure me that she is watching over her little brother or sister and maybe that will be the peace of mind I need.

As I get closer and closer to the due date, the delivery is getting more real. My fear of that day is setting in. To actually picture a healthy baby being passed to me, knowing that I will take it home seems impossible. To picture pulling away from the hospital with the baby in the backseat instead of a box of footprints and hospital bands feels like something that only can happen in my dreams. I can’t even begin to fathom that moment. I am terrified of needing another C-section because I don’t know if I can emotionally handle it. I am hoping for an entirely new experience this time around.

Noelle’s Light is making progress. My husband is leaving his job of 8 years at the end of the month and committing to this foundation full time. I am so anxious to really get started and to help other families. Knowing that she will be a part of our daily lives through this foundation makes my heart so happy. We will remember daily her life’s purpose and we will remember to thank God for our blessings.

I know Noelle is excited for me to meet her little brother or sister. I know she is watching over us. I wonder if this baby will look like Noelle? I hope so.