It has been 8 months. 8 months and here I sit feeling as though I have not accomplished anything in the time. Last year in 8 months I had gotten married, bought a house, a dog, graduated and become pregnant. This year, in 8 months, I have gotten a job that I have yet to start and I have grieved. I have grieved hard. And I don’t know when this is supposed to stop. Of course, I look back to 1 month out, 2 months, 3 months, and I would never want to go back to that place. I recognize that the paralyzing effect of grief has started to lift. But there are still situations where I feel it. There are still moments that I avoid because of grief. And I feel like people still understand that I just can’t put myself in certain situations- Surrounded by other babies that would be the same age as Noelle. Surrounded by my new nieces that seem to scream out “where’s Noelle!!??” But what happens when a year is over? Is my paralyzing grief supposed to also be over? I hope not…
The times that still get to me the most are the moments with my parents. They are always with my sister’s children, which I recognize is part of their joy in life. But it is a constant reminder to me that they are not with my Noelle. Every time I try to spend time with them, we have to work around the time they are spending with their grandchildren. Every time I am with them, we are talking about their grandchildren. But I am thinking about the grandchild that is missing. And I can feel myself getting lost in my own self-pity and I hate that. But I just can’t help it.
Even with this new baby on the way, I am still not able to picture happy moments with my whole family without feeling the void. Maybe it’s just that I want to know that everyone else feels the void to. Do they? I know they did but do they realize it will never leave me? I have so many ideas about how to keep Noelle in all the holidays and I hope I follow through with them.
The last 8 months have been the hardest months of my life. I guess when I compare it to last year, it feels as though I have not accomplished anything because they were all things I could have never anticipated. Living with this grief is an accomplishment in and of itself and if I had known this would be my path life, I would have hoped I would embrace it and work through it as I have. I would have never imagined myself going through IVF but I conquered it. And now I am pregnant again.
Last year was a year of joyous accomplishments. The ones people talk about and celebrate.
This year is a year of overcoming unimaginable obstacles, which really has been the greatest accomplishment of all.
8 months after my baby girl has passed away and I still get lost in the grief. But I am coming to realize that part of loving her will always be missing her. This grief will be with me forever and I know it will make me stronger. Noelle will make me stronger.
I love you my baby girl Noelle. Happy 8 months.