It has been 10 months without my baby girl. I don’t know why, but this month just feels so much harder. On Friday, I woke up in the morning so sad. I just keep thinking back to last year at this time. It was right before everything became so bad… right before the fear of really loosing her set in, right before the battle began. I still just can’t help but go back over every detail and wonder maybe if I had done just one thing differently I would have been able to save her.
I had a wedding this past weekend and I brought Noelle’s delivery blanket with me as I always do. (I haven’t slept one night without it since she was born). I realized when I got home that I left the blanket at the hotel. I called but housekeeping is gone for the night and I won’t know until tomorrow if anyone found it. The fear of loosing this blanket is so intense, I feel like a piece of my heart if shattering all over again, I feel like I am failing her. But I am trying to stay strong, trying to remember all the beautiful things I did today to honor her…
Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. My husband and I attended a local event where we participated in a balloon release and a candle lighting ceremony. It was so nice to be surrounded by people whose hearts were aching for the same reason, who understand the pain of loosing a child.
People still talk to me as if this is my first pregnancy… as if I haven’t been through all of the physical and emotional ups and downs a pregnant woman goes through. I want to just scream “I have been through it all!!!!” My body knows what it is like to carry a baby to the third trimester. Yes I have maternity clothes and yes I know how uncomfortable it will be to sleep in 10 weeks. So to be surrounded by people who know that just because I don’t have a baby here in my arms, does not mean my body didn’t create a life. It does not mean that I am not a Mom (times two now!! This rainbow inside me is my second!). The dreaded question of “is this your first” pains me. And then the lack of understanding that can follow disgusts me.
October is also breast cancer awareness month, and although I completely support the cause I just wish people would recognize that it is also pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I guess at 10 months out, it surprises me how angry I can be at times. I am in a hope mommies bible study group right now and it is really helping my heart. I feel like I have pushed God away a lot recently (as I’ve talked about). But I do feel Him present now. Alex and I are in the process of starting a foundation in honor of Noelle dedicated to either Hydrops research or support for families going through what we went through. I just feel God guiding and pushing me to help others who were are in the same shoes I was in a year ago. If even one family can be spared the pain and suffering that we went through it will be worth it. I hope that by getting this organization started, I can be an advocate for those that feel hopeless and without a voice. I hope I can spread the word that ALL LIVES MATTER and that if we are attempting to cure people of cancer, we should also be making an effort to cure sick, innocent babies.
I don’t know how I have made it to the double digits. 10 months since my baby left me. I am terrified for the year mark. Terrified I won’t honor her like she deserves. Terrified that it will be an ordinary day. But I know today I honored her, today I think I made her proud. I wonder if her balloon made it up to heaven…. I wonder if I will get her blanket back. But if not, Noelle, I hope you know your Mommy loves you very much and I will carry your heart in my heart forever. Happy 10 months my beautiful sunshine.