In many ways I feel more shut down now than I have in this entire journey. In the beginning, words, emotions and hope were pouring out of me. Now I can’t find words. My emotions seem empty and hope seems far. Yes, I have a new baby on the way and I am hopeful for his or her future, for our future together. But the hope I have felt towards my grief and towards Noelle doesn’t seem as strong. And maybe it has been directly affected by the fact that I have not been as devout in reading scripture and praying as I was initially. I unintentionally pulled back from Jesus and from that hope all together and I know it has done me much more harm than good. Maybe I pulled away because I was terrified of being broken again. Maybe I pulled away because I thought God would be angry with me for choosing IVF with PGD. But the truth is, no one knows His judgment. And my intentions are pure. So what am I afraid of?
When I am my best Christian, I want to give back, I think of Noelle in that beautiful place and I have hope again. Not just for my future with my living family, but hope for what comes after the darkness, hope for heaven. And how could I really go on if I didn’t have that hope?
My friend/colleague recently lost her baby at 33 weeks pregnant. She hadn’t felt her moving and went in to find no heartbeat. Of course she reached out to me immediately and told me. She said she wanted me to know that she knows how I feel now. Something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I knew this day would come. I knew that I would need to step up and support a friend one day. I could tell her that the pain becomes less debilitating, but it never goes away. For me, I wouldn’t really want it to ever fully go away because the pain reflects how much I miss and love my little girl. And although hope can be strong that I will see her again, the pain will never go away that she is missing here now. Pain can tear you down, but it can also build you up.
My friend is not very religious but she is so positive. It’s not that she doesn’t believe, she just is not actively searching for Jesus. And I have no place to say that I am right in searching for Him in my healing and she is wrong, or that my beliefs are right and hers are wrong. It is just what I believe; it is what has saved me. One common thread among all parents who have lost a child is that it is out of our control. There is nothing more I could have done to save Noelle (and we tried many ways). There is nothing my friend could have done to save her baby. We are all innocent bystanders in this awful tragedy. It is my belief that God is also an innocent bystander. Yes, He is a miracle maker and we may never understand why he didn’t save the one we love but I don’t believe that he caused and wanted death and the heartache that follows. He saved her after death, and that is where faith comes in. This life is temporary. That is how I have survived these passed 9 months. A piece of my heart is in heaven and it is still beating.
As the seasons continue to change and I sit here looking at the falling leaves, a piece of my heart breaks. I reflect on last year when I was pregnant with Noelle and had so many dreams for our future. Now I watch my two new nieces lying next to each other and hear their Moms talk about how they are growing. My heart breaks a little more. I will always feel like a piece of me is missing. But I remember it’s not gone forever. She is in heaven. I will be whole again.
Happy 9 months my baby girl. I love you.