As I woke up this morning, I knelt down to pick up Noelle’s blanket (that I can’t fall asleep without) that had fallen on top of my pregnancy test. As I went into the bathroom, I knew Noelle was right by my side, holding my hand as I starred at the stick for the next three minutes. And there was a line, very faint, but there. I then went to my doctor’s office for blood work to confirm. From there, I drove to the cemetery to spend time at Noelle’s resting place in reflection with my journal. There I sat contemplating how there may be a new life inside of me, a sibling of Noelle’s. But my heart yearns for it to be Noelle.
As I pulled away from the cemetery, I got a call. I am pregnant. It’s very early, but I am. And I am excited. But not like I was when I got the call confirming my pregnancy with Noelle, my first. I remember that day I was overjoyed. I sang to her and clung to my belly all day… and for the remaining 7 months for that matter. I guess this time around I just don’t want to get too close. I don’t want to allow myself to believe that a baby could be coming into our lives in 9 months. I don’t want to plan for a future that could be taken away from me again. The joy of pregnancy reminds me of the pain of loosing the most precious gift. The joy of pregnancy reminds me of my sweet Noelle and I hope a new pregnancy doesn’t make those memories fade because the pregnancy is all I have of her. I am scared, skeptical and sad. But the fact that I found out on the 13th, on Noelle’s day, must be significant. I know she is happy for us. I know she is with us.
I just can’t believe it is now 7 months without my girl. I miss you always, Noelle. I love you forever. Happy 7 months.
Please know no one will take your place.
Know that my heart will ache for you
Until we meet again, until I see your face.
Your brother or sister will know your name
We will tell them how you were heaven in our arms
We will tell them of the joy you brought when you came.
Please know no one will take your place
Know my hands will hold tightly to your blanket
Until they can hold tightly to you, until I see your face.
And as I age and watch your siblings grow
I will always wonder who you’d be today
What would you do, where you would go?
Please know, no one will take your place.
There is no rainbow without the sunshine.
There is no future where I don’t see your face.
You are my baby always. Until we meet again.