Going to my sisters house tonight, I knew I would be emotional but not this emotional. Last year we did the same thing... went to her house and walked about 30 feet to a grassy area where we comfortably sat and watched our towns firework show. I was just about 6 weeks pregnant and all I could eat was frozen yogurt. So there I sat with my fro-yo thinking about how next year I will watch my baby's eyes light up at the firework show. Now that time is here but I am with empty arms. And my new niece is here but she's missing a cousin. The void is just so great right now.... she should be here. That's all I keep thinking.
And as I walk through my town, my small friendly town, I can't help but think that all of the neighbors are thinking the same thing. "There goes that girl who lost her baby.... how sad..."
That's my story now... I feel like that is what defines me. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being defined by my little baby girl. But I wish I wasn't so sad. I wish people looked at me and thought... "there goes that girl who lost her daughter... she's so brave, she's so strong. What a beautiful story."
It just feels sad right now though. I haven't reached that strong brave beautiful point yet. I just know that sitting and watching a firework show with my sister brother in law niece nephew and their grandparents would be devastating. The hardest part is watching my parents with the kids. I want to give them grandchildren. I DID give them a granddaughter! She's just not here. And she will never be here...
But I need to believe she's in a better place and we will meet again. That's what I keep telling myself. Someday I will see her again. Someday we all will see her again.
On that day... I'll watch the fireworks.