6 months ago...
6 months ago, when I got out of bed, you were still with me. I knew something wasn’t right, but I never imagined my life without you here.
And here I am. When I started this journey in December, I would talk to people who would tell me where they were in their journey, 6 months out. Telling me it gets easier to get out of bed. Telling me it gets easier to live. And I see that. I do get out of bed more easily and now the majority of nights I don’t cry. But Noelle is still the one who is always on my mind. She is my reason for getting out of bed. She is my reason to live.
As I prepare to be surrounded by another niece, I can’t help but to have some of the negative emotions surface that I have worked so hard to bury. Why me? Why Noelle? It’s not fair. I want to have my baby girl here with me so badly that it physically hurts.
But if I let the emotion overwhelm me, what kind of life would that be? I can’t focus on the “why is she not here?” but focus on the “where is she?” and in my heart I believe that place is heaven. In my heart I believe I will see her sweet face again. By focusing on this belief, I allow myself space to love others. That is what Noelle would want. Love is this most selfless, infinite and unpredictable emotion. It is the fuel that keeps us all going. When I think of my baby, I am reminded of love. She is love. And where there is love, there is no room for bitterness.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I know parenting isn’t easy. But to all the parents out there who are tired, who are frustrated… just remember that not everybody gets to take their baby home. You did. You have your baby with you. And if that means some sleepless nights, some tired days, then I advise to just soak it in because those are the days I wish I had right now.
I wish that today I had my baby girl in my arms. I wish I could take a picture of her smiling and be amazed at how much she grew and how long her hair was. Instead I am now home after visiting her at her resting place and recalling her burial and contemplating how so much time has passed, contemplating how the world keeps turning with my baby gone.
The days have truly been long, but this year is proving to be short. I am still struggling to find myself without my baby girl. I am still struggling to find the new me. I am still struggling to accept that 6 months after giving birth to my baby, she isn’t here with me.
I pray bitterness doesn’t take over me. I pray I can continue to climb out of my darkest days. I pray that over the next 6 months I find the energy to make my baby girl proud, to start the fund that I have been hoping for. I want to bring Noelle’s light to others and I pray I feel her presence surrounding me, guiding me.
I pray my baby girl is safe. I pray she is happy and is laughing. I pray she is with my family, singing songs that I used to sing as a child. I pray she is in heaven’s beautiful place celebrating 6 months, surrounded by more love than I could ever imagine. I pray that when I close my eyes, I continue to see her sweet face and that every day I am reminded of the hope and the love she brought me.
Happy 6 months by baby girl. Mommy misses you every day. I love you, so much. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.