Five Months and Mother's Day
As Mom’s and children get ready to celebrate Mother’s Day, I sit here contemplating if my baby was ever really here or if the past five months have been some sort of horrible nightmare. Five months. That’s not long in the grand scheme of things but it has felt like an eternity. The pain still hurts like a knife in my heart and it seems every day there is another reason to feel more lost, more hurt…. Another reason to miss her more. My husband and I are in Hawaii right now. We planned a vacation right after Noelle passed away and it was the best decision. I didn’t want to (don’t want to) be around for Mother’s Day. I only want to be with my husband, surrounded by the beauty of this island that is a constant reminder of how Noelle is always with us. But still, tomorrow is a day I have been dreading for five months now.
Mother’s Day is a day that should be celebrated and as a child, I am grateful for all the sacrifices my Mother has made for me throughout her life (and her four other children). But now the day takes on new meaning to me. I know I am not a traditional Mother. I wear no evidence of motherhood. I don’t wake up for late night feedings or have bags under my eyes from sleepless nights with my baby. I don’t have a baby car seat in my backseat or toy’s falling out of my bags and I don’t have a nursery or a crib in my house. But I do have an empty room. I have a room where I can’t put anything because it is my baby’s room- my baby who is not here. My baby who was here for what seems like a blink of an eye. I do have a broken heart that will never heal and I have empty, painful arms. The past five months I have questioned if I am a Mom. Is it all the things you do for your children every single day that make you a Mom? Or is it the things you do because of your children that make you a Mom? Is it the love that is impossible to feel until the day you hold your baby? Or the love that is impossible to feel until the day you bury your baby?
That makes me a different type of Mom.
For all the things I will never be able to do with my sweet Noelle, I will always wish I could. For all the smiles and laughs I will miss with her, I will always wonder “why” and think “what if”. Every missed memory is another dagger to my heart and for me, Mother's Day will of course always remind me of the moments I am missing.
But as I sit here and feel the wind change and see the ocean waves roll in and out, I can’t help but think of my love for Noelle and remind myself to carry my pain with pride. As the winds bring in the clouds and the rain inevitably comes, the ocean is vast and can hold the storm. The beauty that is in it all is too good to be missed.
As much as I wish my baby was here with me, I’d rather her have come and gone than not to have been here as all. I am thankful to be the Mother of a baby in heaven. I am thankful that a piece of my heart is there waiting for me. And as I sit here in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful sunrises, rainbows, waterfalls, flowers and sunsets, I am reminded that heaven is not so far away. I am reminded that my sweet sunshine, my baby girl Noelle, is with me everywhere I go. As much as I may want her on my lap this Mother’s Day, she is in my heart forever.
Five months later and I am finding new ways to be her Mother everyday. I don’t wear your typical signs, but ask me, and I will tell you how Motherhood has changed my life.
Happy five month birthday in heaven baby girl. Mommy loves you very much.