Today is three months since my baby girl has been gone. That is one way I can look at it. And I can imagine all the things I would be doing with her today. Tying bows in her hair- her hair that looked like her father’s, curly and light brown. I would be watching as she took in the world around her with her beautiful eyes. Her beautiful eyes that I have yet to see.

But here I am. Home from Hope Mommies Retreat for a day now. I am hopeful. My heart is full of pain and joy, dancing together victoriously. I can choose to focus on how she would be today, but she is not here. And as much as that hurts my heart, I know I will see her again. I am choosing to focus on the eternal glory she has with the Lord. I am choosing to focus on the sorrow and suffering she was able to avoid here on earth.

I want to focus on Noelle’s life. The life she had here on earth and the life she lives now in eternity. When she died, part of me died with her. But when she went to Heaven, I like to think part of me went there with as well. As her Mother, she allowed me to have a glimpse into her Heavenly life.

She has changed me so deeply. Changed me to focus on the important things in here on earth and to turn to Jesus. She has taught me to be hopeful- not just for myself and my future but for others and for this world that can seem so dark sometimes.

Love wins over hatred, always. When I held my baby girl and saw her beautiful face- that moment wins over having to say goodbye. I would live this journey again a million times over just to have the joy of seeing her face.

In James 1:2 he says “My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy because you know that these trouble test your faith and this will give you patience.”

My faith is truly being tested but even in the hardest question of “WHY ME” I see Noelle’s beautiful face and am overjoyed that He chose me to be her Mother.

Our time here on earth is short. Noelle’s time on earth can be looked at as “gone too soon” or it can be looked at as perfect. She was perfect and is perfect to me. I was blessed to have held her here briefly. I am blessed to have her guide me to God and guide my life today. I am excited to see where she will lead me.

Happy 3 month birthday my baby girl. Thank you for changing my life.