Yesterday was my baby girl’s due date. The day that 9 months ago I thought of as the first time I would see her, the day I thought would be the day I became a Mother.
I have had so many mixed feelings about this day. Of course sadness being the overwhelming emotion but this was coupled with a sense of relief as well. Noelle was born, Noelle lived and Noelle passed. The day I will remember this will always be the 13th not the 23rd. Alex and I also knew throughout our pregnancy that she would be born early so the 23rd didn’t carry as much weight as it does in other pregnancies and especially other losses (I would assume).
The biggest relief I had yesterday was a sense of not grieving my pregnancy anymore. Now I can’t say to myself “I should still be pregnant”. I can continue to dream about what it would be like if Noelle were still here and I anticipate that I will for many years to come if not for a lifetime. But I think part of me was separately grieving the pregnancy separately from Noelle’s life. I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be pregnant again as soon as we lost Noelle. I still want to be pregnant again but I think more than that I want to have living children, siblings for Noelle. Yesterday was a stepping-stone in letting go of the emptiness that comes from such a traumatic, immediate and blunt loss. Noelle was inside of me one minute and the next she was gone and I think that has been a separate grieving process from grieving her life and her death. I will forever cherish every moment I remember with her, every kick I felt, every “slide”, everything. Every day that from here on out though I will not be able to say “I should still be pregnant with her” and that in and of itself is healing because I can instead focus on her, on the life that was, the life that could have been, the life that is now in heaven and the life I will hopefully be with again.
Her due date was a beautiful day. 73 degrees in February. Pink skies. I could feel her everywhere. I feel her everywhere, everyday. She is everything that is beautiful and beauty is all around if you allow it to be.
My beautiful girl
Where did you go?
My beautiful girl
I miss you so.
Today should have been
The day we say hello.
The day I’d kiss your lips
Your hands, your belly, your nose.
But I did all of those things,
Just not on this day.
I did all of those things
Just in a different way.
You had the smallest, sweetest hands.
Your lips were beautiful and pure.
Your belly was soft and bruised
Your nose, like a button, cuter than anything I’d seen before.
You will be with me forever
In the sunshine, the stars, the wind and the rain
I feel you everywhere I go
And our love can overcome this pain.
When I see you again we will laugh and cry
We will dance and be free
We will hug, we will love.
You are my eternity.