Part one of the autopsy results

On 3/2 we received part of our autopsy results. As anticipated, there is nothing new to tell us. As far as they can tell at this point, there is no reason why this happened. The part we are still waiting on is part of the genetic testing. If this comes back negative, then we have no answer, if it comes back positive, then it is a genetic reason this happened and we are certainly at risk in other pregnancies. Even if they don’t ever find a reason this happened, there is still so much to be studied when it comes to genetics that I will always have that in the back of my mind as to why she passed.

I cannot go through this again. I feel so, so helpless right now. It is just all a reminder of how this is out of my control, there is nothing I could have done to save Noelle, there is nothing I can do to change what happened, to bring her back, to prevent this happening in another pregnancy. I feel like a failure of a Mother. I want to be pregnant again so badly and I thought by now we would have all the results back and maybe be trying again. But now, even though my desire to have children and to be pregnant is greater than it ever was, I am so terrified and I feel like it is a selfish decision to want to try again. I can’t put another baby through what Noelle went through. Maybe IVF will be an option? But even that tears me apart because I don’t want to play God. And if the cause remains unknown, how would they even know what genes to look for if we did IVF? If the autopsy is inconclusive, then wouldn’t the chance of a random mutation or cause happening even after IVF be the same as with natural conception? Obviously these are all questions I need answers to. I just always have and still do want a big family… it seems impossible right now.

I am just so much angrier at the world then I ever thought I could be. I don’t want to hear about happy families and happy times. I hate that going out with my friends and drinking now just makes me think of how if Noelle were here, I would be home with her, breast-feeding her, not out with friends having drinks. I don’t want that part of my life anymore, I am a Mom and I want to be a Mom! But I don’t have my baby to care for. It is absolute torture, every second. It is just not fair. It’s not fair. And now that more of my friends are getting married, more babies will be coming and I will be stuck constantly remembering how I failed my little baby girl. How I may never be able to carry a healthy baby. How my dreams may never become a reality.

And I hate myself for being so angry. I don’t want to be. I want to be optimistic towards the future but I also want to be real. I know that Hydrops was out of my control, Noelle’s death was out of my control. But I can control the path my life takes now. I can choose to harbor this anger and this fear and this loneliness. But I am going to try everyday to make the conscious decision to be open to friends and family, be open to the path before me. I want Noelle to see me again some day and be proud of her mother. I want Noelle’s light and joy and beauty to be my guide everyday. I am trying. That’s all I can do.

The path to you:

On the path back to you I do not see hatred or darkness. There are no roadblocks or storms. There is sunshine and rainbows. There are butterflies, babies and all things worth living for. And at the end, there is you…. And me.