It has been two months since the best and worst day of my life. Two months since loosing my beautiful baby girl. I just still feel like it has to be a dream. Please someone wake me up from this horrible nightmare.

I just wish so badly I could hold her again. I wish I could see her eyes light up. Two months old. She would start to laugh, she would be able to really look at me. I just wish I knew what she would have been like. I wish I knew what would make her laugh and wish I knew how she sounded when she cried. I wish she was here so badly it hurts me so much.

I kept myself busy most of the day today, I just can’t face my own devastation. I can’t face how sad I am, how broken I am. There is not enough time in this world to grieve properly. I feel like grieving does nothing, because no matter what the reality is still the same and I will never accept it. I will never be okay with it. Will I ever be at peace with it? I don’t know that I even want to be at peace with it because it is so horrible. Why did this world have to loose such a beautiful life, such a beautiful soul. This world needs Noelle. And now it has been without her for two months.

I hope she’s okay. I hope her soul is happy somewhere, somewhere that I will be. I hope she is saving a space for me. I can’t wait to see her again. Will she know me? Will I know her? Can she hear me now?

I just want to kiss her and say, happy 2 month birthday, happy 2 months in heaven. Mommy loves you, mommy misses you every second, of every day. I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart. Thank you for making me a Mom, thank you for being my sunshine.