The last couple weeks I have had an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. Still lost in the midst of this new life and my old life. All of the situations that just don’t feel right- getting back to work and feeling the awkwardness of those around me, trying to be with friends and family and not express the one thing that is constantly on my mind, Noelle. I am reading a book called “Hope” by Nancy Guthrie. It is meant to be a sort of meditation. She discusses the loss of her two children, Hope and Gabriel, both of whom had fatal diagnoses in utero and she carried both to term. The lived several months but ultimately, as expected, passed away. She leads to reader through a grief journey, quoting and reflecting on different bible passages. This is exactly what I need to be reading, exactly what I need to focus on. God. It is the ONLY way out of the darkness, passed the emptiness and hopefully coming out on the other side, a brighter, happy place.
When I talk to people, I don’t think they see that I am broken. I really do believe and have faith. But I don’t know if that makes me strong in this moment. The reason I do have faith right now is because if I didn’t I would truly fall apart. I wouldn’t be able to go about my daily life, go back to work, face anyone. If I didn’t have faith, there would be nothing. The first bible reflection in the book is “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. Maybe that is where I am right now, being rescued.
I just hope one day I can make Noelle proud with the life I lead. Right now I feel completely stuck and I am not even able to really be happy for anyone. My Mom and Dad’s birthday’s have passed and I should have been celebrating with them but birthday’s are just proving to be impossible. The passage of time, my nephews growing, my sister and sister-in-law becoming more and more pregnant, everyone celebrating life but Noelle is gone, a life is missing!
But then I KNOW I have so much to be thankful for, especially my parents. They are still with me and I feel so blessed to have them, they are incredible. I truly thank God for them. But at the same time I can't help but to think why some lives are cut short, why was Noelle's life only 32 minutes and other's so full and complete? It just doesn't seem right.
Tomorrow wouldn’t been the day that the doctors induced me or planned a c-section. They said with her condition they wanted me to deliver a little on the earlier side. Tomorrow I would have been 37 weeks. I just ask myself over and over, day after day, should I have had the c section that day? Would she still be with me, would I be about to meet her for the first time tomorrow if I didn’t listen to the doctors that day? I will never know… it will torture me forever.
February 1st…. her month… her due date approaching… so much pain, so much sadness I can’t even bear it. I would rather try to ignore it and just feel empty. I am trying to hold on to hope, to hold on to faith, to reach for God. Please God, rescue me from this emptiness. Please.