Today marks one month that our sweet Noelle was born and passed. If she were here today, I would be taking a picture of her, wishing her a Happy one month birthday and being amazed at how much she has grown. Or maybe I would be in the hospital, praying that she continued to fight. Or maybe I would be in the hospital praying that God would take away her suffering.

But I guess I shouldn’t wonder about such things… She isn’t here anymore and today I reflect on that day, one month ago, when I knew we would meet out baby girl. I reflect on my fear and anxiety leading up to the c-section. I remember when I said goodbye to my parents how scared I was, I remember crying as they rolled me into the OR. I wasn’t afraid for me AT ALL. I was afraid for her. I just didn’t want her to suffer. I didn’t want her to die. I was so, so scared for her.

6:15 pm, she was born. And it was the best feeling. We were finally parents! I remember everyone in the OR saying how beautiful our baby girl was and off she went, before we could see her, to the resuscitation room to have the fluid around her heart drained. One of the doctors, Doctor Khalek, was coming in and out, updating us on their progress. Her heart drained easily, but they were having trouble with her lungs… her lungs were “stiff” it was difficult to get her to breathe. Even then, I didn’t really think about her not making it.

And then, I remember Dr. Khalek come out and say “it’s not good” they have to stop. But they wanted Alex to come in and see her… I still don’t know what he saw to this day, we haven’t talked about that moment. But about 30 seconds later they were telling me, that’s it, they couldn’t save her and they wanted us to hold her. I just remember telling them “No! Don’t stop! Please keep trying!” and they just kept telling me they couldn’t. And then… there I was, holding my baby girl, meeting her for the first time on the OR table as the doctors were stitching me up. I don’t even know at this point if she was even still physically alive during that moment. I just brought myself to look at her death certificate two days ago… 6:47 was her time of death… 32 minutes alive on this earth. Was I holding her at 6:47pm? I don’t know…

She was baptized on that table. The doctor stitching me up was saying the Our Father with the pastor and us and making the sign of the cross with us, crying with us. It was the most sacred experience of my life.

That OR room is the happiest and saddest place. It is where I said hello to my daughter for the first time and begged for her life to continue. “My baby! Not my baby! No! No!” Those words are stuck in my mind, a horrible nightmare… it’s all a horrible, sweet nightmare.

One month ago… I don’t know if it seems like another lifetime or like yesterday. All I know is the pain is still the same. Raw. New. Real. I know I miss my baby, more and more each day. I know she is beautiful. I have her face engrained in my mind forever. The cutest face I have ever seen. The sweetest smell. Heaven in my arms.

I know if she were here today I would hug her so tightly and wish her the happiest one month birthday…

Today I want to tell her, Thank you for being with me for one month, thank you for making me a Mother, for adding the greatest joy to my life that I could ever imagine. I pray you are happy in Heaven and saving a place for me close to you. I pray you are free of pain and full of life. I miss you every second, of every day. Thank you for being my sunshine in the darkness. I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.

Love Always, Mommy <3