Jodi Laughlin
Numb

I haven’t been writing as often because I have just been feeling numb. Maybe I just haven’t wanted to get in touch with my emotions though lately because whenever I do all I really feel is sadness and anger… So much anger behind the sadness. I am angry with myself- should I have done more? I am angry with the doctors- should they have done more? Or should we all have done less? I am angry at the world, angry at all the people who have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, why me? Why Noelle? Why Alex? I would never wish this on ANYONE but I don’t know why this is my life. I am angry at all the people that will never understand. I am angry with God- why did he let this happen? I prayed, I was faithful, I was hopeful… it feels like all of my faith has been for nothing. Maybe if I hadn’t been so hopeful and faithful, maybe I wouldn’t have been so hurt.
Lately when I feel, when I think of Noelle, the anger just overcomes me. I am filled with negativity. And I know, if I want to see her again, faith and love are my only hope. But again, hope has failed me enormously. I don’t want to be so negative… I want to reach that positive place again where I can be glad she isn’t suffering, where I can know that I will see her again, where I can know that her life served a purpose and know that because of her my life will be so much better… I just don’t know right now.
The world feels dark. I miss Noelle.
My Sunshine
Bare trees surround me.
I fit in here.
Dark grey clouds, rusty air
Cold sharp wind.
Snowfall that empties the streets.
Nobody is here,
Alone.
Cold.
Empty.
I want this to last forever.
But the tress will bloom again,
The clouds will clear way to a blue sky.
People will fill the streets as they welcome
Spring
Warmth
Sun.
But my sunshine is gone.
She is missing and I don’t know where to find her.
She’s not among the crowds,
She’s not here.
And as the seasons continue to change
I will look for her in the falling leaves,
The changing tides
I will listen for her voice
I will wait to feel her skin
I will wait to laugh with her
To cry with her
To be with her…
But she’s not here.
My only hope is that
She is somewhere I don’t know of.
Somewhere that fills with a power
Greater than the sun
Brighter than the sun
Better than the sun.
She IS my sun
And I will be stuck in this winter
In this cold
In this darkness
Until I find her again.
I will be empty
I will be lost
Until I find my sunshine.