I haven’t been writing as often because I have just been feeling numb. Maybe I just haven’t wanted to get in touch with my emotions though lately because whenever I do all I really feel is sadness and anger… So much anger behind the sadness. I am angry with myself- should I have done more? I am angry with the doctors- should they have done more? Or should we all have done less? I am angry at the world, angry at all the people who have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies, why me? Why Noelle? Why Alex? I would never wish this on ANYONE but I don’t know why this is my life. I am angry at all the people that will never understand. I am angry with God- why did he let this happen? I prayed, I was faithful, I was hopeful… it feels like all of my faith has been for nothing. Maybe if I hadn’t been so hopeful and faithful, maybe I wouldn’t have been so hurt.

Lately when I feel, when I think of Noelle, the anger just overcomes me. I am filled with negativity. And I know, if I want to see her again, faith and love are my only hope. But again, hope has failed me enormously. I don’t want to be so negative… I want to reach that positive place again where I can be glad she isn’t suffering, where I can know that I will see her again, where I can know that her life served a purpose and know that because of her my life will be so much better… I just don’t know right now.

The world feels dark. I miss Noelle.

My Sunshine

Bare trees surround me.

I fit in here.

Dark grey clouds, rusty air

Cold sharp wind.

Snowfall that empties the streets.

Nobody is here,

Alone.

Cold.

Empty.

I want this to last forever.

But the tress will bloom again,

The clouds will clear way to a blue sky.

People will fill the streets as they welcome

Spring

Warmth

Sun.

But my sunshine is gone.

She is missing and I don’t know where to find her.

She’s not among the crowds,

She’s not here.

And as the seasons continue to change

I will look for her in the falling leaves,

The changing tides

I will listen for her voice

I will wait to feel her skin

I will wait to laugh with her

To cry with her

To be with her…

But she’s not here.

My only hope is that

She is somewhere I don’t know of.

Somewhere that fills with a power

Greater than the sun

Brighter than the sun

Better than the sun.

She IS my sun

And I will be stuck in this winter

In this cold

In this darkness

Until I find her again.

I will be empty

I will be lost

Until I find my sunshine.