Stuck in 2016
So, it's a new year... 3 days in. My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary yesterday. 2016 was the craziest year of our lives- we got married, bought a house, we got pregnant, I finished grad school, we bought a dog, I became a Nurse Practitioner and then the year ended with us in and out of the hospital fighting for our daughter's life, only to loose the battle 12/13/16.
2016 was good to me, I can't deny that. But it could easily be the worst year of my life. But then when I say that, am I saying my baby girl, Noelle, was a bad thing? Because she wasn't at all.. she was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I would do it all over again if I had to, just to have the chance to meet her, the short period of time I had with her was the best time of my life. Was it the hardest thing I have ever been through? Yes. The saddest? Yes. But the worst? Absolutely not. She made me a Mother. She made Alex a Father. And for that I am forever blessed.
The entire pregnancy, every hard thing we went through I would do all over again because I know we were making each and every decision with her best interest in mind. I would try and save her all over again, in any way she needed. As soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test, I became a Mother, and saying goodbye to my baby is something I never dreamed possible. But it happened. And it happened in 2016... So now, saying goodbye to 2016 feels like I am saying goodbye to my little girl all over again.
I thought 2017 would be our year... together. I also just passed my boards to be a Nurse Practitioner but I knew that I would dedicate my time and my heart to Noelle, not to my career. And I don't want to go back and focus on a career now... I want to focus on my family, on remembering Noelle, on all the things that should be. I am dreading this year, dreading what should be her first holiday's. Dreading her approaching due date. Dreading what should be time spent with her nieces and nephews. Dreading family vacations that she should be there for. I feel like I am stuck in this horrible place where everything should be different. And I am trying to remind myself that maybe this is how it was meant to be, even though that is the last thing I want to hear. I know Noelle was not a mistake... I know her life had purpose and I just need to figure out what that purpose is.
So maybe I need to just stay in 2016 for a little longer. Maybe I need to continue to focus on Noelle and what I hoped for and continue to remember that that hope doesn't exist. I need to continue to relive what happened until it becomes reality. I need to find Noelle's spirit to guide me, I need to feel her presence and find a new path, new hopes. I need to find a new role in life, one that shows who I am. I am a Mother who lost her daughter and I can't let that be forgotten, I can't let it not have a purpose.
I just need more time to focus on 2016.