Back to work, back to "normal"
My husband went back to work yesterday. It felt so wrong in so many ways.
Being that our pregnancy was so complicated, the last couple months he really hasn't been working. I am a nurse in the ICU and so I could not work at all after the complications really started, so I have not worked in two months. I still cannot go back until the end of January/once I have clearance. I am no where near emotionally ready to come back (probably more physically ready than emotionally ready at this point).
So yesterday, I was home alone with our puppy. I thought maybe I would be okay. I took him for a walk and tried to keep my mind busy. I took a shower around 1030 and that's when I lost it, when the silence around me overcame everything and my mind could only focus on one thing, "Where is my baby???".
I spent the next few hours in bed crying. It's just not fair that my husband has to go back to work, not fair that the world around me continues to go about their everyday life as if nothing happened. My baby is not here. I am alone. I feel so alone.
My sister lives down the street as I have mentioned and it is truly a blessing at this time in my life. She wanted me to come by earlier yesterday but I just wanted to cry, I needed to cry. It isn't anything like having my husband there, the only person who really knows what I am feeling at this time, who feels the same, who lost his baby too. But I am trying to let other people be there for me, and my sister, my best friend is a good place to start. My parents are also very close by and I know I can count on them whenever I need them. I also have my puppy... so glad to have him right now.
I try to look to the future.... to see myself one day being OK again, to see myself working, to see myself maybe with a family. All that seems so impossible right now, seems so far away. I just wonder how I am going to make it through the next years of my life without Noelle. I don't want to go back to anything that resembles normal because nothing will be normal to me again. I love my job in the Neuro ICU, I love the people I work with and my manager has been so supportive during this unimaginable time in my life. But part of me is just longing to change it all... I just don't know what to do yet. I don't know which direction Noelle will guide me but I am so ready for change. I need to lead a different life because I am different, and I will never be who I used to be again. I hope as the days go by, I will find the new me.