So, Christmas has come and gone. It was really hard trying to be in the holiday spirit. Luckily we spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas day with my husband's family, didn't really see anyone we hadn't already seen since Noelle's death. It just is still really hard being in groups and knowing people don't want to say the wrong thing... it's hard when people don't talk about her and it's hard when they do. I am physically and emotionally exhausted today...

Being that my sisters are pregnant, have two young boys (both about one year old) and I spent most of the holiday thinking about all the traditions that we cannot do with Noelle, I couldn't help but have the thought cross my mind once or twice (or more) "when will we be pregnant again?" Part of me is longing for that, I feel so empty. I miss Noelle's kicks, I miss being pregnant. I also know my husband and I want a family, so badly. So being that the Doctor told us we had to wait a year-18 months after having a c section to get pregnant again safely, this brings a little anxiety because I know we don't want to wait that long. I know we are not ready now, I know we have to put in work to heal emotionally but I also know I never will fully heal emotionally, nothing will take away this pain and is it horrible that I feel getting pregnant again would help? Noelle would NEVER have her place taken, she is our angel, our first born, our baby. But am I horrible for thinking about getting pregnant with another?

I posted this very thought on a facebook page and the first response I got was extremely negative. A guy responded saying: "Sorry don't want to be negative but did you just say it's been less than 2 weeks since you lost your child and your already considering another?"

Of course the following responses are women defending my thought process and my feelings, saying they too felt the same way this soon after a loss. The physical longing to be pregnant again I believe is so overwhelming to the woman, a man would just not understand that.

And of course I am nervous about people judging our decisions... "they haven't properly grieved... how could they be pregnant again..." but I guess at the end of the day the decision is up to my husband and I. We cannot let other people dictate our lives and decisions.

The fact that I do feel guilty about getting pregnant though shows me I need to work through a lot of emotions still. I know we need to wait... I just don't want to wait a year, I don't even think I want to wait 6 months...

But just like I know Noelle was and is meant to be, I know whatever is meant to be will happen. I keep thinking how, if we do get pregnant in the next 6 months, this is a child that would not be made had it not been for the passing of Noelle. The rest of our lives are forever changed because of our angel in heaven. I know she will guide us always and be with our family forever, I know she will watch over us.

The next step for our family will be very difficult, no matter what. Time does not heal all things, we may need something greater, like love. My husband and I love each other, so much, and so much more everyday. Whatever comes of that love is beautiful. Our love will help us through.