Christmas without my baby
This day is already turning out to be harder than I anticipated, and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet!
Yesterday my husband and I thought we could wrap presents, bake cookies, stay in our robes all day and just be cozy... Well, I made it through one present before feeling like I was having a breakdown. I spent the majority of the day in a ball on the couch in tears.... the robe part did happen though!
We will never be wrapping presents for Noelle. She will never be here to bake cookies with, to sing carols with, to cozy up with, to tell stories to of the Night Before Christmas. All these traditions I dreamed about. I always have LOVED christmas, especially Christmas Eve as I come from an italian family. We have the 7 fish dinner tonight, we always get in our pajamas together, exchange presents and my Dad even sets up a "sleigh ride" every year that we sing carols on and drive around to the neighbors. I told my Mom this year I can only come for the dinner, and I think that will even be impossible.
I don't want to ignore Noelle. I don't want it to be this big elephant in the room, but then again if we talk about her it may just be way too hard. On one of my support groups someone mentioned that her parents have an ornament hanging for her daughter overlooking the dinner table so it's like she's there with them. I wish we could do something like that, and hopefully next year we will.
I know I want to have a stocking for her and I bought her two ornaments but they have not arrived yet, they will be for next year. I want her to have her own little tree that we can decorate and, God willing, one day maybe her brothers and sisters can help.
Christmas will never be the same, I know that. I don't want it to be the same. I want to have new traditions that Noelle is a part of. I feel like a different person because of her and I want that to reflect in how I celebrate such a meaningful day.
Noelle is with the Son of God. Noelle is where we all want to be. If I ignore all the frivolous things that often come with Christmas and if I focus on the true meaning, I feel this will help me through the day. Jesus came here to save us as an innocent, pure infant. In a similar fashion Noelle came here and changed me forever... maybe she even saved me.
For now, I am going to try and peel myself out of bed, have a cup of coffee and say a prayer with my husband. One step at a time, one minute, one hour, one day at a time...
