Being around other babies, kids, pregnant ladies...
Being around other babies and other pregnant ladies has been very very difficult... and I HATE to admit that. My sister, my best friend, is 3 months pregnant with her second. I am SO happy for her, but I am not going to lie, it hasnbeen hard asking her how she's doing and she's my best friend, I want to know. She also has a son, my Godson, Johnny, who is such a joy to be around. But it is very difficult being around him right now.
My brother and sister in law also have a son and are also pregnant again. They are about 4-5 months along. My other nephew, Tommy, is just a few months older than Johnny, Both boys are just over a year old. My sister and I literally live a few houses down so I see Johnny a lot more, Tommy lives about 45 minutes away. We will all be together Christmas Eve and I hate to admit it but it is stressing me out and I know I could have a breakdown at any second that day.
I think more so than actually being around my nephews is the anxiety I get leading up to seeing them, or the sadness that comes from people talking about them, how they are growing, what cute new things they are doing. My daughter will never do those things, I can't see her grow, I am missing everything... This is the thought that plays on repeat through my mind.
I miss being pregnant. I miss all the dreams I had for my baby girl. Every time I see my sister or sister-in-law, every time I see my nephews, at some point I am reminded of the tremendous loss of my daughter. I am not jealous, I am SO HAPPY for them. I just miss my baby. I miss her kicks. I miss her little hands and feet and adorable lips and nose. I miss all the things we were supposed to do together.
This is another thought that I hate that I am having... but I am terrified one of them will have a baby girl. And I will love them OF COURSE but I think it will be very very difficult for me to be around them for a little while. And maybe by the time they are born I will be in a different place in my grieving process, I hope I am. I just hope my parents remember that they have a Granddaughter, even though she's not here, she WAS here and now they have a granddaughter up in heaven. I just am so scared another girl will replace her, another girl will make everyone forget. I'm just so scared of people forgetting.
I want to be a good sister, I want to be a good Aunt, a good Godmother. I don't want to miss my family grow and all the special moments. I just pray Noelle gives me strength. I pray Noelle and I will make up for lost time and be together forever someday. I pray.