Questioning where you are
I really thought that maybe after the funeral I may be able to start accepting that you are not here, accepting that you are in heaven. But really I find myself questioning it more. Am I lying to myself? Just trying to make myself feel better that you are up in heaven? If you aren't I don't know how I could get through this, how I could go on. I need you to be in heaven, I need to know I will see you again.
And I guess everyone has moments in life when their faith is really tested... This is testing my faith, big time. But trying to focus on the areas of my life where I am blessed is helping me to remember that things can feel really, really shitty at times but that doesn't mean God doesn't love me. I am trying to look at all the ways I am blessed- my Mom my Dad my siblings, the unconditional love they give me. My husband, his unwavering support and his strength. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I am blessed.... I am blessed.
So where did you go? Where did my daughter go? I just have to believe and have to hope that she is in heaven like everyone keeps telling me, that she is my angel, she is heavens sweet new little angel. For if I don't believe this, life looses all meaning. If I don't believe there is a life beyond this place than what is the point of it all? In my earlier blogs I talked about how my husband and I are reading "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Each day you read a different chapter. We are on day 4, "Made to Last Forever" where he reminds us that "measured against eternity, our time on earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever. The deeds of this life are the destiny of the next". He goes on to quote Matthew Henry, "It ought to be the business of everyday to prepare for our final day".
We are not made to be on this earth forever. It is up to us to find our faith, to find our path and to make the most of everyday, and I guess it would be wise to live it like it is the last. What would I do today if I knew it were my last? I would try my best to make up for past sins, for save myself so that I have the hope of being with Noelle again. Let her be my strength and my reason for today and for the next- let her be the hope for my salvation.