People keep asking me how I am doing, referring to both my physical and emotional well being. It has now been one week after the death of our little girl and a c-section. I honestly don't really think about the pain or the recovery much, which I know I should. I only really think about it when it effects my emotional health.

Sometimes, most times, when the site is really painful, I have one of two thoughts. I don't want the pain to ever go away because it reminds me of my baby girl, and once the pain is gone, am I supposed to be healed? I don't want to feel any further from her than I already do.

Another thought I often have is that I was robbed of my baby, like someone brutally tore me apart and took my little girl. For this reason, I do think maybe once I heal it will be good for me... another step toward getting through the most difficult time.

One thing I am just getting passed now is the swollen, painful breasts that I never even thought about in the first day. It started probably the third day after delivery and today is the first day I feel like it is decreasing. I used cabbage leaves and have been drinking sage tea which is supposed to dry up the milk. Similar to my incision site, I didn't want the pain to stop in my breasts, I wanted the constant physical reminder of Noelle and so had a moment of thinking that maybe I could donate the milk in honor of her but I just think it would have been way too hard, always thinking this milk was meant for her and not someone else. Especially never having gone through any of this before, I think it would have just really broken me. I also knew I would have to face my milk drying up eventually, I should conquer this sword now, and now that my breasts are starting to feel better, I am kind of relieved.

The other physical part that has been really hard to overcome is not actually being pregnant anymore, not having the bump, starting to fit into my old jackets and shirts (the jeans may take a little longer!). But something that didn't fit me a week ago now fits and it is devastating. I also have the "phantom kicks" and I really just miss feeling her move. I think this physical pain, like the c-section, may take much longer to overcome...

I am going to, as I said before, write a separate post about how my husband and I grieve differently, but the physical aspect the woman goes through must affect this. Men do not go through the pregnancy like women do, they don't know the every move of the baby as women do and they don't have to go through the recovery after birth and the hormonal roller coster of emotion.

So, when I think of all this and when I think of my baby girl Noelle, I try to give myself a little credit- a baby girl grew inside of me, I was able to nourish her for 7 months and even though the outcome was something I never even thought possible, I am honored that she spent most of her life so close to my heart. And there she will be forever- I carry her heart always, I carry it in my heart. <3

#csection #pain #phantomkicks #baby #drymilk