Initial Feelings, Guilt, "Why Me?"
So my initial feelings are all over the place, some may say "normal" grief, but this is the first time in my life dealing with anything that comes even close to this, so I have no idea what to expect.
The fact that I haven't dealt with anything like this until this point in my life (I am now 28 years old) makes me think maybe it was my time. Maybe everyone has a tragic story and this is mine. I remember my close friend once saying to me when they were struggling that I wouldn't understand, my life was so easy. And maybe that is true. Up until this point I have always felt extremely blessed and I didn't have anything in my life that was truly challenging. Maybe this has always been God's plan for me, God's plan for Noelle. Maybe she was meant to open my eyes to how blessed I am and this is my cue to start giving back. But then I feel no, God can't be that cruel, he wouldn't have Noelle suffer just to open up my eyes... but maybe I just haven't reached a point where I am spiritually aware enough to accept that this was His plan... my Mom always says "We all have a cross to bear"... is this my cross? Was this Noelle's?
I also feel that, was there something else I could have done? Was there something I shouldn't have done? Should we have done those surgeries? Would she still be here if maybe we didn't have the emergency c-section? Should I have stayed off my feet a little bit more the week before she passed? So many questions that I may never know the answer to, but I try to tell myself, we did the best we could with the information we had. We were blessed enough to be cared for at one of the best Children's Hospital in the US- Children's Hospital of Pennsylvania, and the team was amazing. This is one of the reasons my husband and I wish to give back- the entire journey we would say how blessed we are to live only 20 minutes from the hospital and how blessed we were to have the insurance and means to cover the surgeries Noelle needed. So we made what we thought were the best decisions at that time, and maybe I will never know "what if" but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she is not suffering anymore... no more needles, no more pokes... just rest now Noelle.
And finally, one of the last feelings that keeps rotating through my mind is "Why me?" Why is she not here for Chirstmas with us? She was supposed to be. Why is she not going to be with me on my lap for my next birthday? She was supposed to be. Will I celebrate Mother's day next year? She made me a mother. I think this question will repeat in my mind for a very long time and each holiday and birthday will always make me think "You should be here". I am trying to remind myself that in spirit, she is. And I pray that in heaven we will have birthday cake and christmas trees and I can do all the things with her there that we didn't do here.